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This is especially true, coming from New Hampshire—I’m a cold weather guy and here in North Carolina, it gets hot!
An AC unit is critical, even if you’re running on solar power.
When I was first planning to move into my tiny house, considering the possibility of running a solar powered air conditioner and cooling system weighed heavily on my mind.
After all, living in a humid state, I’ll tell you, I’m one who can’t tolerate the heat.
Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery. Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group, while being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask.
Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery?
I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private.
I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three day intensive.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.) Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry! How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery? (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know: These are just a few examples.
She needs to work her program and let you work yours. ” Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in, or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exception, your actions are the reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know.
But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions: Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery.
I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through.
Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery?